Revelations, or what I think about all day

Weight: 30X

I hate posting my weight, but it defines alot of what I think about all day. I don't necessarily fixate on the number, as much as I fixate on the idea that I wear whatever covers me. I fixate on my fat rolls, or on the way I look at myself in the mirror with disgust.

I don't think it's entirely lack of confidence or some kind of body dysmorphia, it's more the idea that I failed.

Not that I want a pity party or to hear that I have a good personality or some such mess. None of that is relative. What I think about all day is the "who would you be if you could be anyone?"

Often I wonder how much of myself is a projection of what I feel I should be, and how much is who I really am. How do we define who we are? For years I defined myself through things, through places I've been as a distinguishing thing to separate the obvious drawbacks.  I think often about how would I be completely different had I not always felt huge.

I write all this out because writing helps. I think often about the odd things I'm interested in and how they place so low on the to-do list for me. I'm interested in camping across America, not to be butch or cheap but because you see a side of things most miss. Would I ever really do this? God only knows, but the way things line up I won't. I want to learn a foreign language, but knowing me I'd spend 3 years finding the best deal on the software to learn the language without ever using it. My Rosetta Stone Japanese has been installed once, used for a week, and left to the "taburu"

So what defines me is evolving. I'm trying to get rid of things, but it's like giving up the drink, neither is really easy because so far for the last 10 years shopping/drinking defined me. How boring is that?

Ever been to a party, had someone ask you "what are you into?" and not had something to say back? That's my life at the moment...

Need to work on fixing it.